There is no such thing as a perfect mom
manuelita otero
Being a mom is the best thing in the world and at the same time the hardest responsibility we will ever face because it involves the future of the ones we love the most. The stakes are high and no matter how much we try to prepare for it, we are just never fully ready. Being a mom is an experience full of learning and growth while we are taking care of the amazing human beings who have been placed in our care, who are a part of us, and who could be affected by everything we do. It is a big challenge and an amazing honor all at the same time.
Generally, most moms want what is best for their children, but many times they just don’t know what that is. Decisions are often made with good intentions and a lot of uncertainty, based on the information available at the moment.
As a mom of two wonderful adults, I know that my decisions, hopes and wishes for my children have always been based on my love for them, and my desire to give them the best, but as you can guess, sometimes what I thought would be the best wasn’t exactly that. And to have to face it years later, to have to hear it from them is not the easiest thing. The love for our children is real, and so is the pain when we realize that we tried so hard, and still couldn’t give our children the best. But we are human and making mistakes comes with the territory. Realizing that we are not perfect even when our intentions are good and even when we try our hardest can be liberating, if we are willing to ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves. As moms we have to be honest with ourselves and let go of that idea that we always know or knew what is or was good for our children. That is an unfair expectation we place on ourselves. The sooner we talk about it, accept it, apologize and let it go, the happier all involved will be.
Talk: Good communication seems to be the key for the success of any relationship. I wonder why sometimes it seems so difficult to master this useful skill. Talking should be the most natural thing for all of us, and yet, we assume things, we avoid certain subjects, we put up walls… The list can go on. But some things are too precious and worth going through the pain, discomfort or sadness. Listening to your adult children, learning how they perceived certain situations, giving them the opportunity to express their feelings without wanting to correct them or explain yourself is not only necessary but also beautiful.
Accept it: I don’t know if this happens to all moms, but if I am honest it really hurts me when I make a mistake, especially when it comes to the people I love the most. I love my children more than anything so it's a mixture of sadness and frustration. Also a little feeling of unfairness. I tell myself that I worked so hard, tried everything and still couldn’t give my best. It just doesn’t seem fair. But my mistake is confusing my best with perfection. I need to accept that sometimes no matter how much I want to avoid it, I will mess up, I will say the wrong thing, or I will make the wrong decision. It’s the way it is. The key is to minimize those moments and learn from them.
Say you are sorry: Sometimes saying we are sorry is painful not because we aren’t sorry but because it feels a little unfair. A genuine apology is liberating, for our children and for us. We may have hurt them without even knowing it. Being able to listen to your children and apologize for what has been done creates space to clear things and to deal with them. It’s a weight lifted, an opportunity to get to know your children better and to see your relationship grow.
Let it go: There is no need to keep thinking about the past, once it is discussed and faced it is time to let it go. There is no need to keep punishing ourselves remembering what we have done or trying to understand or feeling guilty about it. Sometimes you may not have done anything wrong, but for some reason your child perceived it in a different way. Sometimes it is ok to agree to disagree as long as there is a true desire to understand how things have affected your children. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself and let it go.
Don’t sacrifice your present relationship with your children for the brief satisfaction of being “right.” The challenge and joy of being a mom doesn’t stop as our children get older, it gets more interesting and it is transformed, but one thing never changes and it is the love we feel for our “little ones”, even when they are not so little anymore.
Manuelita